Not Again

We went to see the psychiatrist today.(4.18.13)  He hasn't seen her since September when she said things seemed good and he wouldn't need to come back, unless of course he needed to.  Well, now he's needed to.  Told her he didn't want medication.  She noted that.  Talked about his extreme reaction to his emotions and how he needs to practice his coping skills as far as his emotions are concerned.  She said it's part of his Aspergers.  It's all so confusing.  I guess we will just keep on keeping on.

Reflection

One year ago tomorrow I drove my then 13 year old to a mental health facility and dropped him off.  One of the worst days of my life.  It's been a roller coaster ride ever since.

Tonight, after his therapy session and his therapist officially suggesting it's time to medicate, I watched my son spiral down into another deep depression.  I know that look now, it's the look he had before the hospital.  No eye contact, staring in the distance, his mouth kind of pursed, looking like if he could he would just bust out in tears.

My 14 year old son does not want to be medicated.  He will fight it tooth and nail.  So when Ed brought it up and he felt like no one cared what he thought, that was all it took.  Wanting to isolate, saying, "whatever", "i don't care", "who cares", "no one cares".  How do you try to medicate when he doesn't want it.  He had, in his mind, a bad experience when he was on the zyprexa last year, he hated it.  Everything to him is cut and dry, black and white, there is no gray area, which sucks.  He wants to try supplements first and see what happens.  My fear is that's not enough and we've had 2 suicidal threats within 9 days.  He knows he needs to bring it to our attention then to his friends, yet twice it's come on so quick, his mood change, that he couldn't even react properly and this last time he has a vague memory of it even happening. Scary!!  

It feels like a catch 22.  Try to medicate and have him fight it every step of the way, claiming it doesn't work, claiming he feels too different that he feels worse.  Not medicate and risk the manic states, possible black outs and additional mental break downs maybe even putting him back in the hospital and on meds anyway.

I cried uncontrollably in the shower tonight.  I screamed (quietly) at Satan to get his grip off my baby, asking God why, asking him to give me strength and wisdom.  I've struggled with my own depressions and addictions but it's the most painful thing to watch your own baby go through it.  The brain is powerful and complicated.

That night my son had his 2nd threat, Pastor Rick Warren's 27 year old son had committed suicide.  He battled mental illness and depression his whole life and even had the best doctors and treatments and it wasn't enough.  His dad said he had said, I know I'm going to heaven so why can't I just die and end this pain?  Broke my  heart, because they are living in their heads every single day.

I pray, please God, don't let my son give up, he is a child of God, protected by the blood of the lamb.